MotoPic

MotoPic

Sunday, June 15, 2014

100 Day Challenge

I’m not sure why I’m starting this challenge. I have a plausible excuse floating around in my head, but I know that’s not it. Not really.

Plausible excuse:

About 3 months ago I sprained my ankle pretty badly playing soccer. I folded over the outside of my left foot and very distinctly heard a “pop-pop”. It was somewhere between a Grade II and III sprain, which means the ligaments were at least partially torn, if not completely. I was off my feet for a week, on crutches for another week, in a brace for 2 more weeks, and unable to walk for more than half an hour for several more weeks. Balls. For the 3 months after the injury I participated in exactly zero exercises that could have been considered truly challenging cardiovascularly or muscularly.

12 weeks after the pops, last Thursday, I gingerly ventured back onto the field to mixed results. I was able to play the full 90 without pain and with minimal swelling (hooray!); but in my time away I lost acceleration, top speed, endurance, and most of all, touch (aww). More importantly, I was at the top of my game when I went down, and I’m afraid I’ll never get it back. I am getting old, after all.

OK, maybe I’m moving towards the real reason for this challenge after all.

The Challenge:

Starting today, and for the next 100 days, I will do 100 pushups and 100 sit-ups per day. At the end of the 100 days, on September 23, 2014, I will have completed 10,000 pushups and 10,000 sit-ups.

Rules: 
  • The 100 are due on a daily basis; I cannot roll incomplete sets over to the next day
  • Extra sets not paid forward; if I complete 120 pushups today, I still owe 100 tomorrow, not 80
  • Sets do not need to be paid in full in one sitting; Each 100 may be completed throughout the day

Metrics:
  • 100% success is defined as 100 consecutive days with a minimum of 100 pushups and 100 sit-ups performed each day.
  • However, taking reality into account, successfully completing this challenge will be defined as missing no more than 5% of the challenge days, and completing all 10,000 pushups and sit-ups.

Accountability:

Check-ins with pictures will be made in 10 day increments, starting with day one (today), for a total of 11 entries.

Baseline:

I’m starting from pretty close to zero. Today I did 20 pushups, and then 10 sit-ups in my first set. I did more pushups than I expected, but far fewer sit-ups. I always considered my core to be pretty strong, but clearly it isn’t.  I guess it’s better to know how pathetically weak I’ve become, rather than remain blissfully unaware.

I ended with 60 pushups and 45 sit-ups before showering and leaving to jot this down. Tonight I owe another 40 pushups and 55 sit-ups.

Goal:

The goal as of today is pretty clear; in addition to completing the challenge as defined by the success metrics, I want to be able to complete 100 consecutive pushups and sit-ups with no breaks. I imagine I will be able to do this before the challenge is over, so the goal may be modified to include a time limit. But first things first, for sure.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Unintentional Assault, Intimidation, and Attempted Puppy-Napping


Leaving the apartment this morning on my way to get coffee, I walked past a girl and her brand new puppy. They were training; practicing commands like “sit”, “stay”, and “heel”. The puppy saw me and got distracted. I asked if I could pet the little thing, and she happily obliged.
He waggled his whole body while I scrunched and unscrunched his face and thwaped on his side. Becoming more and more excited, he ran between my legs, pulling his leash and moving his owner's hand quickly towards my "mid-section". I swung my leg over the leash to get unstuck and kicked her oncoming hand, hard enough to crack knuckles in her fingers.
I tried to acknowledge and apologize for what I did, but in a little panic I said something absurd, like “oops, popped your snappers there, didn’t I".


In my own mortification I turned away from her, groaning deeply and wearing an “I’m-so-embarrassed” look. And came face to face with her boyfriend and his own “what-the-hell-did-I-just-witness” face, which quickly changed into a good old fashioned “is-he-about-to-hit-me” face.
Confident in having inflicted sufficient damage to their morning, I skedaddled.

In a just world, the story would end here. This is not the case. When I kicked her hand, she dropped the leash, and the puppy trotted off in the direction I was about to start walking. Any reasonable person would try to grab the leash, but I'm still a little gimpy and I can't move quickly yet. So from their perspective, in 5 seconds I kicked the girl, growled at the guy, and helped the puppy abandon his owners. 

Class.


These are my neighbors. They live in my building. And while I may not see them again today or tomorrow, I will see them again eventually. All I can think to do is be ready with my low growl and the same face I gave that poor fellow.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Hawaii

There are countless lovely, wonderful, crushingly beautiful things about the islands and the people who live here that won’t be repeated at this time. Instead, I’m trying to work out what has been bugging me about this place. Trying to bring into focus what keeps slipping away from me out of the corner of my eye.


There is no quicker way to set unreasonable expectations than by calling someplace paradise. It makes you vigilant; ready to find and tear at the seams to see what’s behind the manufactured curtain. Maybe it’s better that way though, nobody admires the oblivious.
The marginalization, fetishization, and then commercialization of natives and native culture is nowhere more apparent than in Hawaii. Observe the gentrified hula ʻauana, available for your viewing pleasure at malls and boardwalks, distilled to coconut bras and grass skirts for easy printing on postcards and beer bottles.
Consider the beachfront high-rise; built to enable the literal stratification of wealth, top level units are bought at a premium by those who fail to recognize that proximity to sand and surf is desirable, and not the inverse found in their city high-rises counterparts. Moreover, they foster an ironic immobility and incomplete isolation, their façade of exclusivity shattered every time you set foot on the street with the rest of us human detritus.
The dichotic standard of beauty of skin tone for whites and others; the general shallowing that a universal focus on physique has (though I may be projecting here); ABC Stores. 
You know what more than makes up for all that though? Poke. Holy fuck that shit is delicious.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Inflatable Dorsum Prosthesis

I wrote this seven years ago on Greg's blog when his back was going nuts. Due to certain key words throughout the piece, it was targeted by bots and linked to with ads for penis enlargement, porn vids, and knockoff watches.

The piece isn't very good, but I think the trackbacks are hilarious. So I'm reposting it here for posterity's sake. 




















We have recently learned that one of our own will soon be undergoing surgery. I had the opportunity to sit down with him and his wife recently to discus the procedure, possible risks and side effects, and the end result if all goes well. Below is a transcript of the conversation; names, places, and dialogue has been changed to protect me.
Interviewer: Let me start by thanking you both for coming here today. I really appreciate you taking time to walk us through what will be happening.
The couple sits across from me in an oversized red leather loveseat at a local coffee shop. They don’t stop holding hands the entire time I am there. I sit across from them in a high backed chair. The tape recorder sits on the low table in between us.
Gregg: No problem, thank you for inviting us out.
Interviewer: So, what can you tell me about this procedure and why are you undergoing it? I hear its elective, is that true?
Gregg: It is elective, yeah. I kept throwing my back out during…ah…every day activities, and it was beginning to be a real problem. The frequency with which I could…participate… in normal activities was lessening.
Interviewer: So sorry to hear that. No one likes a stiff back.
Gregg: On the contrary, this type of injury eliminates almost all mobility of my back by restricting blood flow to the muscles, thereby rendering them almost completely flacid because of a lack of oxygen. Its so bad now that I can’t even get myself up, from bed or out of my chair, with out help from my wife.
Wife: HOO-YAA!
Interviewer: That sounds awful. I’m surprised you couldn’t take some medication for it. Ibuprofen, for example, is a blood thinner. Shouldn’t that help with the blood flow?
Gregg: Unfortunately the pills only work for about 70% of men with this condition. The next step was local injections, which I also tried, again to no avail.
Interviewer: So then on to surgery. What is the procedure like? How will they correct the condition?
Gregg: Well, its fairly involved. Ultimately the condition is corrected with the implantation of a device that will strengthen and support my back. Its called an Inflatable Dorsal Prosthesis, and it is basically two empty bladders that run the length of my back. They can be inflated when I need that extra stiffness and strength by activating a small pump that will be implanted into my scrotum.
Wife: HOO-YAA!
Interviewer: Scrotum?
Wife: HOO-YAA!
Interviewer: Why would it be implanted…(glance to the wife)…there?
Gregg: Dunno. Seemed like a good place to put it, I guess. Plus I’ve got plenty of room, if you know what I mean.
Wife: HOO-YAA!
Interviewer: Indeed. So, if all goes well, and I’m sure it will, when will you be able to resume normal activities? Will there be a noticeable drop in performance compared to your pre-injury days?
Gregg: Well, doctors say my back will never have the stiffness that I had before I got hurt, but hey, we’re not 16 anymore, are we?
Interviewer: Certainly not.
Gregg: Rhetorical question. Any how, there shouldn’t be much of a drop in performance. I should be as good as new around two weeks after the surgery, and should have the green light for all normal activities within a week after that.
Interviewer: Wonderful news. I’m so glad to hear it. If you don’t mind my asking, how did you hurt your back in the first place?
Wife: AAAAA HOOOOO-YAAAAAA!