Inflatable Dorsum Prosthesis

I wrote this seven years ago on Greg's blog when his back was going nuts. Due to certain key words throughout the piece, it was targeted by bots and linked to with ads for penis enlargement, porn vids, and knockoff watches.

The piece isn't very good, but I think the trackbacks are hilarious. So I'm reposting it here for posterity's sake. 

We have recently learned that one of our own will soon be undergoing surgery. I had the opportunity to sit down with him and his wife recently to discus the procedure, possible risks and side effects, and the end result if all goes well. Below is a transcript of the conversation; names, places, and dialogue has been changed to protect me.

Interviewer: Let me start by thanking you both for coming here today. I really appreciate you taking time to walk us through what will be happening.

The couple sits across from me in an oversized red leather loveseat at a local coffee shop. They don’t stop holding hands the entire time I am there. I sit across from them in a high backed chair. The tape recorder sits on the low table in between us.

Gregg: No problem, thank you for inviting us out.

Interviewer: So, what can you tell me about this procedure and why are you undergoing it? I hear its elective, is that true?

Gregg: It is elective, yeah. I kept throwing my back out during…ah…every day activities, and it was beginning to be a real problem. The frequency with which I could…participate… in normal activities was lessening.

Interviewer: So sorry to hear that. No one likes a stiff back.

Gregg: On the contrary, this type of injury eliminates almost all mobility of my back by restricting blood flow to the muscles, thereby rendering them almost completely flacid because of a lack of oxygen. Its so bad now that I can’t even get myself up, from bed or out of my chair, with out help from my wife.

Wife: HOO-YAA!

Interviewer: That sounds awful. I’m surprised you couldn’t take some medication for it. Ibuprofen, for example, is a blood thinner. Shouldn’t that help with the blood flow?

Gregg: Unfortunately the pills only work for about 70% of men with this condition. The next step was local injections, which I also tried, again to no avail.

Interviewer: So then on to surgery. What is the procedure like? How will they correct the condition?

Gregg: Well, its fairly involved. Ultimately the condition is corrected with the implantation of a device that will strengthen and support my back. Its called an Inflatable Dorsal Prosthesis, and it is basically two empty bladders that run the length of my back. They can be inflated when I need that extra stiffness and strength by activating a small pump that will be implanted into my scrotum.

Wife: HOO-YAA!

Interviewer: Scrotum?

Wife: HOO-YAA!

Interviewer: Why would it be implanted…(glance to the wife)…there?

Gregg: Dunno. Seemed like a good place to put it, I guess. Plus I’ve got plenty of room, if you know what I mean.

Wife: HOO-YAA!

Interviewer: Indeed. So, if all goes well, and I’m sure it will, when will you be able to resume normal activities? Will there be a noticeable drop in performance compared to your pre-injury days?

Gregg: Well, doctors say my back will never have the stiffness that I had before I got hurt, but hey, we’re not 16 anymore, are we?

Interviewer: Certainly not.

Gregg: Rhetorical question. Any how, there shouldn’t be much of a drop in performance. I should be as good as new around two weeks after the surgery, and should have the green light for all normal activities within a week after that.

Interviewer: Wonderful news. I’m so glad to hear it. If you don’t mind my asking, how did you hurt your back in the first place?

Wife: AAAAA HOOOOO-YAAAAAA!